What if I have to go to the bathroom, and I can’t find one, and my bladder explodes?

Yesterday I got a casual email from my editor asking how I wanted to approach revisions for ANTIGODDESS. It was very casual. Breezy, even. But as I replied, blathering on and on, my head started to turn about how I was planning on starting book two this week, and how I guess I should just start revisions, but how I really wanted to get started on book two, but revisions, but book two, but REVISIONS.

And once you start thinking like that, it can quickly branch off into all the things you wonder about new projects. There was a definite moment of my old standard, "What if I have to go to the bathroom, and I can't find one, and my bladder explodes?" (That's from What About Bob?)

Or, in writer speak, "I think I've got a novel, but what if I don't, and the words run out, and my bladder explodes?"

Needless to say, I abandoned my laptop for a few hours and comforted myself with A WANT SO WICKED, which you are going to want, trust me.

In the end, I started revisions. The plan is to juggle the two chapter by chapter. So I should be ready to start book two, perhaps even tomorrow. I don't think it's premature to say this plan will be foiled, but what the fuck. Here we go.

The News That Made Me Giggle and Clap Like a Maniac. (New Trilogy)

It's also the news that's made me blog twice in three days. Which is unheard of, as I am a crappy, crappy blogger. But here it is:

My new trilogy will be published by Tor Teen! ANTIGODDESS (formerly Secret Projects C and S) has found a home with my amazing editor, Melissa Frain.

In case you were wondering, I just yelled that at you, in a crazy, monotone voice. And I apologize. Here's the announcement in PM:

Anna Dressed in Blood author
Kendare Blake's ANTIGODDESS series, where the ancient, perpetually
teenaged Greek gods Athena and Hermes cling to life in the contemporary
world, seeking the causes of their mysterious, slow deaths and gathering
their allies in reincarnated form: Cassandra, an ordinary girl who was
once an extraordinary prophetess; Odysseus, the handsome trickster; and
other fickle characters with their own secret motives; they must all
band together against Hera and Poseidon who have become horrific
caricatures of their former glory in their desperation to survive, again
to Melissa Frain at Tor, in a very nice deal, in a three-book deal, by Adriann Ranta at Wolf Literary Services (World).

That didn't format very well. Anyway, it's a bit of a genre shift, but not completely. For those of you who enjoyed the horrifying elements of Anna Dressed in Blood, I promise, some stuff is still pretty horrifying. Because that's just how I am. Horrifying.

Huge thanks to Adriann, and Mel, and the team at Tor! I am so happy to be working with them!

Interesting. Yes. Provocative.

If anyone knows where "Interesting. Yes. Provocative" comes from, I'll give you a cookie. But since nobody probably does, I'll just tell you. It's from Chris Farley and David Spade. They did it a few times on SNL, and I think once in either Tommy Boy or Black Sheep. Not sure which one, but who the hell cares, they're the same movie.

Speaking of SNL, did anyone see the Katy Perry episode? Was anyone else creepily impressed by her Florence and the Machine impression? Holy balls, lady. Not bad. But I still only know you as Mrs. Russell Brand.

Anyway, it's been a good day here at the house of serial killers and hair-pulling cats. How good a day? Well, very soon I should be able to share some news. And part of that news will allow me to use a title quote that I've really been wanting to use, also from SNL. It's been awhile since I've had news to sit on. Huh. It's sort of uncomfortable.

Anyway, it shouldn't be long. In the meantime, I've started to think about GIRL OF NIGHTMARES. Feels like ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD just came out, and I haven't wanted to talk about Girl of Nightmares much, but I suppose it's time. One thing that should probably be cleared up is that Anna Dressed in Blood was not the start of a series exactly. It was the start of a duology. So Girl of Nightmares is the end of Cas and Anna's story.

Another thing is that ARCs should be coming in a few months, and I want to do weird contests. Because I love it when people are weird. For example, there were a few cool chicks on Twitter who wrote a poem review about ANNA, and considered dressing as minstrels and singing it for early copies. Or making me sing it. I can't remember exactly, but it sounded awesome.

I finally reached the end of the Song of Ice and Fire series, and now shall suffer with most of the world waiting for THE WINDS OF WINTER. Now I'm diving back into Kristen Simmons' ARTICLE 5. And ooh! I got word from the fan-fricken-tastic Suzanne Young that I may be able to read A WANT SO WICKED early. Hee hee! Haw haw! WHEE! Ahem. Don't judge me. I'm getting a cold and I may have over Nyquil-ed.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

Get it? Elephino! I love it. It was the joke that first introduced me to Pepe the King Prawn on Muppets Tonight, and it was the thing that made me fall in love with him. Which is my only complaint with the new Muppet Movie. Not enough Pepe. I expect to see more of him on the DVD extras, dammit!

Now don't get me wrong. I am as happy as anyone to see the Muppets make such a triumphant return. I loved seeing Kermit (even if I did want to hear Pepe call him 'Kermin') and Piggy, and Gonzo as a plumbing magnate. It was strangely pleasurable to watch Chris Cooper rap, and I'm glad they showcased The Swedish Chef, even in one odd, disturbingly hilarious gag involving a flamethrower and refrigerator pals.

I know that The Classic Muppets were what was being celebrated. And the new songs were fantastic. Bret McKenzie always shines. I could hear him singing Manly Muppet right along with Jason Segel (who still has something wrong with his face, and what's worse is that I can't even identify what exactly). Segel was a true muppet champion, and did them more than justice. The cameos were sharp, and if you didn't get sentimental during Rainbow Connection then there's a 96% chance that you have no soul.

But Pepe was sorely missing. I know, I know. He's hard to integrate with the classic Muppets. But whatever. Also, this movie didn't forget to allow Gonzo to be both clumsy and WEIRD. Sometimes they forget. He's a WEIRDO. The movie that did that best was Muppet Treasure Island, and the starfish in his pants.

Anyway, see the movie. In book news, I've started the latest chapter in the Song of Ice and Fire series, and I am upset already. In a wonderful, wonderful way. But dammit, Martin, if I'm going to carry around a book this big, I want an Orin and a Luck Dragon. Thank you. Also, was watching The Walking Dead on AMC and got very scared for one of the main characters until I realized that The Walking Dead wasn't written by George RR Martin, so what was I so scared for?

In other book news, Kiki Hamilton's THE FAERIE RING is a lovely Christmas-y feeling story. Full of scrappy ragamuffins. And the news that made my day: Anna Dressed in Blood made the Kirkus Reviews Best Teen of 2011 list. Wow. Wowie wow wow.

Tell you what I’m gonna do, Snakes. I’m gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yellow

No good Keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead.

Ah, the holidays. I think everyone has that movie that just means the holidays for them. For some, it's A Christmas Story. For others, A Charlie Brown Christmas, or It's a Wonderful Life. But for me, it's Home Alone. I love that the guy in Angels with Filthy Souls is named "Snakes". I love it. I've taken to calling my husband "Snakes." He'll say something like, "What do you want to do today?" and I'll reply, "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good Keister out the door with that garbage bag, before I pump your guts full of lead."

I don't know how to spell, "Keister."

Speaking of Holidays, it's not the flipping holidays yet. The malls are now playing Christmas songs. Too soon. Don't make me start a ragtag band of militant turkeys, hellbent on defending Thanksgiving's territory. Someone should make an app. Turkeys vs. Elves. And the Turkeys should win, until Black Friday.

In book related holiday news, there are just about half a billion books I want to read, and want to buy for myself. But isn't there some kind of rule where you're not supposed to buy yourself presents when Christmas is around the corner? Or people will call you "hard to buy for" and say things like, "What do I get you? Everything you want you just get for yourself. You butt hole."

But I want Maggie Stiefvater's THE SCORPIO RACES. And a collection of short stories from one of my professors, LAST FLING by Sue Gee. And I'm getting itchy for the last remaining unread Milan Kundera. Don't even get me started on how badly I want to just give in, buy a baby-sling, and carry around George RR Martin's massively oversized A DANCE WITH DRAGONS.

For those of you looking for a Halloween hangover, try Victoria Schwab's THE NEAR WITCH. I'm finding it a beautiful, witchy, force of nature kind of book. I'm flying through it too fast, and for some reason, it makes me want to watch the Halloween episode of Little House, where everybody thinks Nels murdered Mrs. Oleson. Also, it makes me want freshly baked bread. Mmm. Seriously though, it's good.

This was supposed to be a post about Stephen King movies. Gad. Tangent, much?

No Entry Title today. Just the GIRL OF NIGHTMARES cover.

This showed up in my inbox unexpectedly.

There's no official release date yet, but I wasn't waiting! I love just about everything about this, and I hope you do too! It's from the same team as the first cover. Once again, their talent has boggled me. I'm boggled for the day. I was going to do an actual journal entry now, but you know, eff it. I'm too boggled. My brain is just reds and ghosts and bare feet.

Winner Announcement!

The Anna Dressed in Blood Kismet Book Tour has ended, and the winner of the Kindle with the Anna skin and pre-loaded ebook is:

WOLFLUVR420!!!!

Congratulations, and thank you for entering! Kismet and I will get your prize sorted right away. Also, any other winners waiting for books from me are going to be sent out on Thursday. I'm playing a whole lot of post-vacation catch-up, and I apologize if I'm pissing anyone off.

I want to use a quote from Spartacus, but they’re all too dirty.

Rest well, Andy Whitfield. I'm going to be annoyed all season watching Spartacus without you. And John Hannah. But mostly you.

Yes, Andy Whitfield has died, and in that strange way that hearing news that has nothing to do with you can ruin your day, has ruined my day. When Heath Ledger died, I called a friend and at the same time we said we almost felt the need to call in sick. Not because we were huge, rabid Heath Ledger fan-stalkers or anything. But because the world felt slanted and we figured we ought to stay in. Yes, we're weird.

Anyhow. the Teen Book Scene blog tour for Anna just wrapped up, and I'll send out the winning prize packs as soon as I know who the winners are. The Kismet Book Tour for Anna has just started, and if you want to watch me flounder on video, the kickoff post is up over at Parajunkee's View. I never do video. The lighting usually makes me look like Wayne Campbell scaring Garth Algar by putting a flashlight under his chin and growling, "I'm the Leprechaun!" Which is what I wanted to do for the kickoff post, but they said no. They're giving away a Kindle at tour's end, so head on over and enter. Then the winner will be announced on my site. Which is actually on this blog. One of these days, I'm going to run a giveaway through this thing. And no one will show up. But not today.

Tomorrow I'll be guesting over at Writer Writer Pants on Fire, talking about the submissions process. As of this week, I should be on submissions again, as I have not yet reached the stage where I can pitch my editor a book about an evil desk lamp and have her ask when she can have it by. (I love that Family Guy bit.)

Everyone gearing up for All Hallow's Read? Got a scary book to give or trade? I'm looking forward to some good recommendations from people, and hopefully giving away some of my own.

Go Buy a Hat. And Get Ready to Hold the F*ck Onto It.

It's the day before the release of ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD. I'm spending most of it dug in, sniffing chicken in the slow cooker. Sounds pretty sane, yes? WELL IT ISN'T.

I'm sorry for yelling. For all the days up to say, the last week, I've managed to maintain a chill, zen-like attitude. There's no reason to panic, I told myself. Anna's a big girl. She'll be okay. I was pretty much Eddie Griffin in The New Guy.


Just roll around a bit. You'll be all right.
And then release week happens. And I am no longer the calm, cool Eddie Griffin. I'm Tina Fey on Annuale.


Local authorities may want to incarcerate me preemtively, like a wolfman.

I'm kidding of course. The above facial expression has only happened twice. And I don't even have an axe. But release week is guaranteed to turn you into at least a partial basketcase. I've tried to stay off of the internets as much as possible, to contain the crazy. I think that authors should get together and make our own version of the Annuale video, only for release week. Thoughts like, "This is all a huge mistake!" and "Nobody's going to like the book!" just pop up in your head. I feel like I'm preparing to bail out of a canoe. Time to blow up the car and start a new life under the name Sandra Monksburg.

In all seriousness however, despite the crazy running through my brain at the moment, I'm still enormously grateful to everyone who has left a kind comment, or a thoughtful review. I'm enormously grateful to the publishing/editing/publicity team at Tor. And the agenting team at Wolf Literary. I'm enormously grateful to anyone who wants to read the book or *gasp* buys it. I've got nothing to complain about. And after tomorrow, I'm sure the nuts will leak right back out of my head. But until then, I'm going to go buy a hat, and get ready to hold the f*ck onto it.

The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled was Convincing the World He Didn’t Exist.

Title today is from The Usual Suspects, a lovely film in which Benicio Del Toro defies all rules of accents. Why am I using it? I don't know. Although admittedly, a week before a book comes out, there is a not so small urge to POOF! And disappear. Even if there's nothing wrong. I'd still like to spend the week slinking from bottom of rock to bottom of rock, only pausing to lift my head and squawk incoherently.

But I can't! Curses! Revisions of GIRL OF NIGHTMARES are past the halfway point, and if I'm lucky, will almost reach the wrap zone by the end of today. Hmm. I guess between revisions and release I have not a whole lot of use to say. Damn. I expected more from me. So, I'll finish this non-post with a brief list of places I (and Anna) are going to be.

INTERNATIONAL PUBLICATION- A few have asked whether Anna Dressed in Blood will be published anywhere besides the US and Canada. I still have basically no idea, but here is a short list of territories where I'm pretty sure it will release eventually:

The United Kingdom (2012)
Australia (2012)
New Zealand(2012)
Thailand (TBD)

PLACES YOU CAN THROW STUFF AT ME: But please make it soft things. Even if you say, "Hey, Kendare! Heads up!" I am still going to let it smack me in the face, and not attempt to catch it at all. Seriously. Who's got two thumbs and really slow reaction time? THIS GUY.

Scout & Morgan Booksellers, Cambridge, Minnesota (September 24, 11:30 to 1pm.)
West Hollywood Book Fair on some kind of panel, Los Angeles, California (October 2nd, time TBD)
Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association Trade Show, Portland, Oregon (October 14th, signing from 4:45-5:30)

Until then, I'll be underneath the nearest rock. The nearest chocolate rock.